LAST MEAL

"It's kind-of-a long drive out here" he commented as he looked past me out the window onto the broad vast open desert.

"Bet you're thirsty?--What will ya have?--You name it my friend and I bet we got it, somewhere around here!" he finally stopped for a breath. Then he stuck out a hand and said his name was Ralph.

I started to rise, he motioned me to sit. I grabbed his hand and received a firm, warm, confident hand-shake. You know the kind, the ones you don't get to often any more. A hand-shake is seldom these days, and mostly just a quick, limp pressing of the fingers--I don't know what you got but I don't want it kind of gesture. I felt comfortable. This was a man that I could talk to, share some experience with, talk of the old days--'57 Fords and Chevys--fast cars and open roads, with a service station ever fifty miles. Yes, this was the right place.

I usually don't drink, and occasional beer an even more occasional margarita. Today an ice cold beer sounded real good. What do you have on tap? He smiled, "I bet you'd like a Tuskers’ Premium." We got a case just last week. Its ice cold and we got chilled glasses? Wow! a Tuskers I haven't had one of those since I was in Kenya in 1986. Yes! That's exactly what I'll have. He was already half-way to the end of the bar.

I looked around the room, there were no other patrons. When I arrived I thought there were two or three others. Now I was alone. But, that's the way it has been most of my life. And at fifty-four I have finally learned to enjoy the solitude. There was a time--in fact most of my life where I could not stand to be alone--had to be with someone--didn't matter much who. But, now it’s okay. In fact I even find myself searching for some quiet place and some quiet time to enjoy it. Here I am.

My gaze wandered out through the dirty window, back to the vast expanse of the desert. Nevada, yep! I was born in Idaho in 1939. I liked Idaho. The summer storms rolling across the desert toward the foothills, magnificent, huge black clouds reaching through the sky, looked like they could touch Heaven, if that is where it is. Maybe that too was just another secret. Ominous and almost overpowering, the insignificance of man compared to the beauty of a summer storm, yep. I don't miss the bitter cold winters though. Why am I saying yep again! Haven't said that since the days of BAJ, oh well. I really like Nevada. The sun is slowly sinking behind the distant mountain range. The few clouds in the sky are just barely starting to catch the suns rays. I lean forward to see if I can see in the opposite direction. Yep! Look at the color on those mountain tops just starting to turn, a little peach? No, more orange. No, Shit I don't know what shade or color it is, the names of colors have changed so may times in my life that I just don't give a damn any more. But, that is sure pretty. I could just sit here and stare at it for hours, and hours. What is eternity anyway? Does any one really know?

"Here it is! Ice cold just the way you like it? Right?” said the man with the smile.

At one time I was a pretty fair photographer--I had a natural eye for detail and composition--I never made any money--won a few awards--had a lot of fun--a really great time. I studied his face. There was a sparkle in his eyes. They were clear! Just a little hazel! Whoa. I remember when I studied Iridology--it was obvious this man was eating properly, sleeping well and in very good health. Neat! The corners of his eyes had two lines--no cracks--no folds that followed the natural curve of the eyelids and brow and trailed off into nothing. How odd, there was also a tiny furrow that cut diagonally across each of the others, running parallel to his head. I could not see the other side to see if they matched, who cares! Not me! I like his eyes, they are jovial, playful, kind, yet carry a deeper significance a sadness, a loneliness. The eye brows drooped. Didn't they use to call those “bedroom eyes”? Ya. I think they did. Now days they don't call them that, they call them old. I think it was those beautiful dark brown eyes, not the movie!

"Here, looks this over" as he handed me the menu.

"We don't have any specials tonight or any other night for that matter", he started to chuckle at his own little joke.

"If it isn't on the menu, we don't have it", his chuckle turned into a laugh.

His laughter was infectious I felt a smile move through my jaw muscles and land on my lips. It felt good, alive. He started to speak again as he leaned closer to me,

"Look, if there is something that you would really like just let me know", then he winked, raised his head, turned, started to hum a tune and he was gone.

The menu was a little tattered from use. At first glance the fare seemed a little meager. But, as I studied it in more detail there was a good variety of the basic western cuisine. BBQ ribs, BBQ chicken, half a dozen different hamburgers/cheese burgers, hot roast beef or hot turkey served open faced with your choice of mashed potatoes or French fries. Deserts, fountain drinks, ice cream, apple, berry, cherry, and pecan pie. Pecan Pie! Wait a minute! Pecans aren't in season this time of year! Or are they maybe--I can't remember--I like pecan pie. I think maybe I like Strawberry/Rhubarb better--I can't remember. Well what do I really want to order? Something really special this is a very special place and a very special night. Not one that I will remember for long. But, this will probably the most important night of my entire life. Let's see hmm.

"Having a hard time?” the friendly voice interrupted.

"No" I replied not looking up. The fading sound of his shoes against the floor indicated that he had gone again. Where was I? Yes! Chicken something. For as many years as I can recall--it was chicken this chicken that--beef is bad very bad to difficult to digest--must eat lean--chicken this chicken that. I remember one day sitting in a restaurant reading the menu and realizing that the proprietor had scratched out the printed price of the items containing chicken and had increased their price by one dollar and I remember laughing thinking now there is an entrepreneur. Gad it felt good to even thing about laughing--it had been a long time since.., well what the hell do I want to eat anyway. Let me see... Hot turkey sandwich with French fries and gravy Yah! That’s it. Then, my eyes focused in on liver and onions. I swear that was not on the menu a minute ago but there it was it was even printed just a touch darker that the other letters on the page. How had I missed that? Oh well. Yep! That is what I’ll have!

"Now you're ready?”

"Let me guess", he continued thoughtfully.

"Let me see hmm, chicken something right! NO! Wait! Turkey sandwich with gravy on the French fries! Right?"

"Nope" I replied. But, that was a real good guess. I think I will have Liver and Onions, with French fries and a side of gravy.

He started to laugh. "I should have known", he said with a big grin on his lips and a twinkle in his eye.

"This is your special night, really treat yourself kid. You're entitled. You are a very special person, and that is not just my opinion"! He gave me that knowing look as he cocked his head to the side, while he made a note on the pad of paper in his hand.

"And, another Tuskers'?",

No! I'll have a coke--you know the real thing, one beer that's my limit.

"Yah got that right--I never really liked Pepsi that much my self either", he turned and disappeared again.

I did a double take it was like there was this flash of light and he was gone. It must have been a reflection for the sunset. Gosh it sure is gorgeous--just look at all that color. There just has to be a God! I wonder what he really looks like. Wouldn't that be a kick if God really was a woman? Oh well.

The color on the under side of the clouds grew more intense and the contrast more dramatic as the light moved away it was as if the clouds were trying to create crevices and pockets to hold on to the light--don't let go--if you let it go it won't come back--hold on, tight.

Then the light faded and it was dark. All of a sudden I realized that I had not checked into my room for the night. I had parked the car, walked the dogs--they needed a stretch, a little green grass, (not to eat but, you know the things of nature) some fresh water and they were ready to settle down for what ever was going to happen next. They were my true friends. Both have been with me from the time they were born. I take them every where with me. I wonder how they will feel about this trip. Oh well. They like to be near me, and I like to be near them and we're going to be together.

I think it was those beautiful dark brown eyes, not the movie! I can recall the look as if it were yesterday, that haunting, sorrowful, innocence. How wrong I had been and how right I was. The shade of lipstick was always just a little too dark. The corners of the mouth were always turned down just a little, not in a frown--more of a sadness. With the tanned tone of the skin, the dark eyes the dark lips produced a unique presences--almost a mask--the kind one sees on the ritual performances of Japan. Later I was to find that it had really been a mask not to hide or conceal but to cover and contain. For now, I have arrived. The journey has taken many years. Good years for the most part. But, there have been times when I hurt so bad that I just stood and shook because I didn't know what to do. I just could not get my head around the pain.

The sound of foot steps on the wooden floor together with the strong aroma of fried onions announced the arrival of dinner. Boy am I hungry.

The meal was excellent. The liver was tender and cooked just right, not over done, but, just perfect. The French fries were superb, nice and thick, cooked through, not too grease, and seasoned slightly with a light spicy south-western touch, excellent. The gravy was hot thick a perfect golden brown. Not to thin. Just right, a little lumpy and seasoned to perfection, I think it is a beef base with a touch of mushrooms. Man! This is the life. Thank God I don't have to worry any more about the cholesterol, or the fat, or the spices, just enjoy. The soda way really great, really hit the spot. You know sometimes, you order a soda and it tastes flat or watery. Other times you order and they deliver this terrific drink, strong, bold, flavor, not too syrupy, not too tangy, but just soothing and refreshing--like all the ads promise but seldom deliver. Now for desert?

I passed on the desert, opting instead to wait for awhile. Let the meal settle--where am I going anyway? Just enjoy the evening. So I rose and walked out onto the porch, veranda, patio, stoop, lanai, what-ever!

There were several chairs haphazardly scattered about, in no particular order and no other travelers. So I took my time, moseyed back and forth until I found a chair that looked comfortable and faced in the right direction, toward the south west, toward the outline of the mountain range, toward where I use to want to live, where I don't want to be any more.

Suddenly I remembered the dogs. So I walked quickly to the car, grabbed their leashes, hooked them up and walked back to the Bar.

I reached down to dust off the cushions but they already had been, someone was really watching over me tonight so I sat. The dogs quickly surveyed the deck and found their places; they liked to lay at me feet with their butts together and the heads in opposite directions. Never could figure out quite what that was all about but that is the way they liked it. So that is good. I kind ‘a sank into the comfort of the chair; it cradled me, the softness of the cushions and the warmth of the evening. Relax its okay! Relax; everything is going to be okay now. I leaned forward and petted each of the dogs they seemed to smile back at me and so did I.